HER: Day 2

I don’t know why I did it. I’m not going to find anyone new. No one is going to love this fucked up shell of a person I’ve become. No one could love me. I know that now. I spent all of this time trying to make him love me. I spent so much time playing the damsel in distress that he so desperately wanted to save, when all it did was push him to controlling me. I don’t know, I don’t think I love him, I think that it could just be the fact that I no longer have a person aggressively caring for me. I no longer have that responsibility to someone, to notify them of my presence, to let them know I’m alive, to wait for them to tell me they are alive. I no longer have that need. And right now, I’m realizing that it was more of a want. Maybe that’s what was different between us. I knew what I wanted and he wanted to think he know what I needed. He became obsessive. I became defensive and with each of us fighting battles that weren’t even in the same war, it is kind of hard to find a winner. I left. I left. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I want. This is what I deserve. To be alone. I need to be alone. I need to have some space. I need to be that person on the outskirts of relationships. I need to be the one without the plus one. I need to be the one that is dinner table conversation topic: Oh is she still with that guy? No? Oh well, she doesn’t have much luck with men now does she? It’s better this way. I can continue how I was before. I can sleep with who I want, when I want and not worry about the implications of glances and inflictions of sentences. I can return to the old habits that I worked so, so fucking hard to kick when we first started dating. I can start again, while picking up where I left off. I can pick up the pieces of myself that he made me shed, pick up the remnants of the woman I was before and reattach them like adornments to my shiny new exterior. I can embellish myself with my former self. I will rebuild. I will rise. This breakup cannot break me.

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